Imagine reaching for your coat, only for someone to quickly step in and do it for you. Or sitting in a doctor’s appointment where a well-meaning family member answers on your behalf.

These moments, though often intended as kind gestures, can quietly chip away at a person’s confidence, autonomy, and the feeling of being in control of their own life. This subtle shift is known as learned dependence – and it’s one of the most overlooked yet powerful forces shaping the way older adults experience ageing.

What is learned dependence?

Learned dependence happens when older adults begin to believe they’re less capable than they truly are. This isn’t due to illness or decline, but rather a gradual response to how others treat them. Repeated experiences of being helped without asking, being spoken down to, excluded from everyday decisions, or discouraged from doing things for themselves can all reinforce the idea that they are no longer capable.

Over time, these repeated messages can have a significant impact. Confidence begins to decline, motivation is lost, and daily life becomes increasingly passive. This isn’t because of what someone can’t do, but because of what they’ve stopped believing they can.

The psychology behind it

This phenomenon is closely related to the concept of learned helplessness. Studies have found that when people, including older adults, believe their actions no longer have an effect, they stop trying altogether.

For older adults, being continually over-assisted or underestimated can result in a negative response. When others repeatedly intervene before the person has the opportunity to try for themselves, it subtly reinforces the belief: ‘I must not be capable anymore.’

Numerous studies into the topic explain that if someone takes care of others too much, it can make the person being cared for feel like they have less control over their own life. This can cause them to become more dependent, even if they are still able to do things on their own.

What it looks like in everyday life

You might notice it when someone quickly fastens another person’s coat without giving them a chance to do it themselves. Or when a carer or family member talks for an older adult without first checking if they want or need help. Even something as simple as offering mobility aids without asking what someone actually needs can send the message that they’re not capable anymore.

These actions usually come from a good place – people want to be helpful – but they denote assumptions that because someone is older, they can’t do certain things. Ageist ideas like this reinforce those behaviours and end up taking away people’s independence and confidence slowly over time.

How do we challenge it?

Learned dependence isn’t set in stone – small, thoughtful changes can make a real difference. It starts with paying attention to how we interact with the people around us. Are we offering support, or assuming it’s needed? Are we stepping in too quickly, or giving space for someone to try first?

One of the simplest and most effective things we can do is ask. Asking before helping shows respect and gives people the chance to decide for themselves.

At St John’s, our Good Living team champions independent living, helping people stay active, confident, and in control of their own lives. Independence doesn’t mean doing everything alone – it’s about having the freedom to make choices, try new things, and live life on your terms. The team is always available if support is needed, but our focus is on enabling people to do things for themselves whenever possible.

We offer a wide range of activities, from ballet and creative workshops to coffee mornings and social events designed to foster connection, build skills, and strengthen the St John’s community. People always know there’s someone on hand if they want guidance, accompaniment, or a friendly face, making it easier to try new things, meet others, and stay engaged.

By creating environments where older adults can participate, contribute, and make their own decisions, we not only reinforce independence but also build a strong, supportive community where people can thrive. Supporting independence doesn’t require big changes, just a shift in mindset. With awareness and respect, we can ensure older adults stay active, involved, and in charge of their own lives in ways that are meaningful to them.